Some of the Dumbest Things That Happened on AHS

July 5, 2017 List, Reviews Comments (0) 19

Oh yes, there will be spoilers.

Asylum

  • Herein lies perhaps my greatest gripe with AHS and this season in particular. The asylum is run by great characters who are getting up to some serious dickens and makes me want to know what will happen. Then the aliens start coming more and more into the plot.
  • Aliens? ALIENS??
  • Is there not enough going on here? Are the terrestrial horrors not enough? Apparently not. After introducing a fascinating cast of characters we’re going to swing away from relying on them for key plot developments and instead focus on fucking alien abduction. If we need supernatural shit hey we’ve got a nun being possessed by the devil and weird zombie creatures as a result of a Nazi’s experiment. Instead we’re condemned to waste unbelievable amounts of screen time discussing what the metaphorical little green men have done. For me, this ranks right up there with “then he/she woke up and it was all a dream.”

 

Freak Show

  • Twisty the Clown, for those of you who may not remember, was the fellow wearing the enormous half-mask with a permanent grin. Twisty the Clown was a fine, horrifying figure, right up until we learn his origin. Immediately I had nothing but sympathy for him and while that was likely the goal of the producers, it ruined him for me as a horror character, which is a damn shame.
  • Oh my God let’s watch another song or dance number by Elsa. Jessica Lange may be a fine actress but watching her do endless musical interludes to satisfy her character’s need to be the center of attention was one of the most tedious parts of this season.
  • Edward Mordrake existed in urban legend before AHS and has been resurrected as a vehicle for extracting backstories from the freaks. Once again, there’s not enough going on to be interesting so let’s throw some supernatural shit in there and summon a legend from the grave who will be taking people to Hell because why not.

Hotel

  • Mr March had the potential to be scary, but he comes across as a fop playing second fiddle to Lady Gaga. A ridiculous waste of the acting talents of Evan Peters, but really, in this season–
  • Everything is about Lady Gaga! Well I exaggerate slightly and she does do a good job of being a scary vampire countess thing, but one grows tired of her fucking everything that moves.
  • If you’re in it for the fashion, this is probably your favorite season.
  • The first episode sows dozens of seeds of intrigue, one of which is the scary unicorn dildo rapist who makes a spectacular entry sodomizing a junkie and then ceases to be a factor until much, much later, and hardly even then.

Roanoke

Pretty much everything.

PS – Expect another withering editorial on season 7, if it truly turns out to be about the 2016 US Presidential Election.

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Horrific Games I Happen To Like

June 23, 2017 List, Reviews Comments (0) 32

 

The Suffering

A death row inmate is transferred to a prison on an island. He does not recall murdering his ex-wife and two children. After an earthquake, multiple horrific supernatural things are released upon the prison and chaos ensues. The supernatural things are themed around executions; for example, lethal injection is represented by a Gollum-like creature with syringes sticking out of its back throws needles at you. This game is different from many I’ve encountered by its morality system. There are three separate endings and the characters interact with the player differently, all depending on what the player does in the game. There are multiple options to save someone, kill them, or ignore them. As the player’s choices accumulate, one of the endings is chosen based on their choices. It really makes you think, even as you are transforming into a monster and tearing people limb from limb.

Fatal Frame

In the first game, your brother goes missing in a large scary mansion and you are tasked with finding him. Throughout the journey you are attacked by ghosts and can only fend them off with a camera. If you move too slowly, ghosts will come hurry you along. As you move deeper into the bowels of the mansion and the earth, you learn some truly disturbing family history about those who used to live there. I still remember the phrase: “the Blinding Mask is the key to the door.” In the second there is an entire town to explore, and the third goes between waking and sleeping nightmares with ease. My all-time favorite series of games. From Japan, best played in the dark with at least one other person who will leap over the back of a couch with you to escape the terrors on the screen.

Doom3

Some may argue that this game is not horror. Piffle, I say. Any game where you are being pursued by supernatural forces of this nature is horror, pure and simple. Zombie humans are the most tedious, but there are plenty of other monsters to keep you busy. The greatest horrific aspect of the game is the prevalent darkness, the player being armed only with a flashlight. Sounds of screaming, ripping and other disturbing shit are played through the character’s headset which only adds to the apprehension one feels creeping around these creatures of hell with a flashlight.

Wolfenstein: The Old Blood

The first half of this sequel to New Order is straightforward Nazi disposal. After the game’s primary antagonist releases a green glowing something from a dig site, flames erupt all over and suddenly everyone’s a zombie, crawling out of holes and attacking you while your back is turned. There are skills which can be unlocked, for example, by pulverizing ten Nazi zombie heads with your trusty length of pipe, the exploding heads lovingly rendered in glorious chunks. Some still have guns and shoot at you in a random way before running at you to eat your face. Due to the green glowing thing, now if you just wing a Nazi, he becomes a zombie, so head shots become a priority as well as speed. Don’t bother clearing a room. They’ll just keep coming, so move your ass.

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7 Horror Movies You’re Stupid to Keep Ignoring

June 15, 2017 List, Reviews Comments (0) 45

Antichrist

If you like Willem Dafoe you’ll certainly be interested in this one. It’s a cheery look at a relationship between a man and his wife deteriorating after their fucking distracted them from their child dying. Also featured: a body double standing in for Dafoe’s balls, and a very hungry fox.

Braindead

One of the first movies directed by Peter Jackson(of Hobbit and Lord of the Rings fame). Scary little monkey transmits zombie virus to unsuspecting fellow’s crotchety old bag of a mother. Shades of Norman Bates as he attempts to woo a girl and conceal his growing zombie family from the world. Only strong stomachs need apply.

Wrong Turn 4

The perfect film to watch while eating fondue. One of a series known for insane amounts of gore and torture, this sequel delivers admirably. Cannibals take over an asylum and eventually are visited by snowbound snowmobilers. Fortunately there’s plenty for them(the cannibals) to eat as the storm rages on. I will say again: fondue.

Frozen

Before Disney ever let it go to the drawing board, Frozen was a truly disturbing bit of cinema, featuring for an all to brief moment  the immortal Kane Hodder out of his Jason mask. Have you ever wondered what would happen to you if you got stuck on a chairlift 50 feet above hard packed snow for an entire weekend on a mountainside? Somebody wondered so much that they made a movie. Watch this one by yourself and put yourself in their shoes. An intermission may be required to steady shaking hands.

Hostel 2

I generally regard Eli Roth films as trash, and his first Hostel was mostly no exception. His second is a redeeming breath of fresh air, with over half the movie setting up the gory bits before any seriously nasty shit happens. A surprise ending as well never goes amiss, as well as a scene set in a place with such beautiful blue water I wish I were there now.

Quarantine

I’m not a fan of found-footage films as a general rule, but when I first watched this I didn’t even notice  that it fit into the genre until over halfway through. A zombie outbreak causes an apartment building to be sealed off with varying degrees of the infected locked inside with the as-yet unharmed. A camera crew which just happened to be following a 911 response to the address records things going from bad, to worse, to blackness.

Human Centipede 2

This is something you should only watch if you are in a very dark mood, locked in the depths of yourself and in the state of mind where the only thing which sounds good is suffering. Shot in lovely black and white(except for one scene which uses brown to great effect) the fourth wall is knocked askew as someone is inspired by the first Human Centipede movie to create his own to fulfill his disturbing fantasies. Those among us who have ever indulged in a shameful habit we will take to the grave will identify with parts of this film as well as watching its brutality with blank eyes.

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